We talk a lot about feedback at work.

Managers are told to give more of it. Employees are encouraged to ask for it. Companies build feedback models, performance reviews, and entire training programs around it.

And yet, most of us can probably think of a time when someone gave us perfectly reasonable feedback and our first reaction was still to get defensive.

That’s because knowing what we need to do differently and actually changing our behavior are two very different things.

Think about what happens when a manager says, “Can I give you some feedback?”

Even when they mean well, those words can immediately change the way we enter the conversation. We start wondering what we did wrong. We prepare to explain ourselves. Sometimes, before the feedback has even been given, we’re already defending the decision we made.

That response isn’t particularly surprising. Our brains are constantly paying attention to the environment around us, including whether we feel safe, respected, and trusted. When a conversation feels more like judgment than support, it becomes much harder to stay curious about what we could have done differently.

This is why we believe great coaching requires more than getting better at giving feedback.

It requires getting better at having conversations.

Imagine a salesperson just finished a customer meeting and jumped into the solution much too quickly.

Their manager could say, “Next time, you need to spend more time asking questions before you present.”

There’s nothing necessarily wrong with that advice. It might even be exactly right.

But what happens if the manager asks, “At what point in that conversation did you feel like you really understood what mattered most to the customer?”

Now the salesperson has to think.

Maybe they realize they never got there. Maybe they recognize that they were so focused on getting to the presentation that they missed something important. And suddenly, the lesson isn’t just something their manager told them. It’s something they discovered themselves.

That’s a very different coaching experience.

The best leaders we know are good at creating those moments. They don’t walk into every conversation assuming their job is to have the answer. They stay curious. They ask thoughtful questions. They listen long enough to understand what’s actually happening before deciding what someone else needs to hear.

And over time, those conversations build something else that matters: trust.

At Braintrust, this is a big part of how we think about NeuroCoaching®. Coaching shouldn’t simply correct behavior in the moment. It should help people build the awareness and habits that allow them to perform differently the next time.

So, before your next coaching conversation, try asking yourself:

Am I trying to tell this person what they need to change, or am I helping them see it for themselves?

Sometimes the most useful thing a leader can give someone isn’t another piece of feedback.

It’s a conversation that actually makes them think.

Jeff Bloomfield is the Founder of Braintrust and the author of NeuroSelling and NeuroCoaching. Braintrust applies behavioral neuroscience to how organizations sell, lead, and develop talent. Learn more at braintrustgrowth.com.