Ten Most Unwanted (Customer Behaviors, That Is…)

How would you describe your most difficult customer? Mr. Maybe, who’ll never make a definitive decision? A grenade, ready to explode at any moment? A tank, always trying to steamroll over you?

According to Dr. Rick Kirschner, co-author of Dealing With People You Can’t Stand: How To Bring Out The Best In People At Their Worst (McGraw Hill, hardcover, 208 pp., $19.95), the tank, the grenade and Mr. Maybe are just three of the “ten most unwanted” customer personalities you might encounter at any time.

According to Dr. Kirschner, there’s no need to stew, steam or suffer in silence over frustrating customers or managers any longer. By taking his advice you can learn to seize the advantage

with all varieties of difficult people, get what you want out of them and, as a result, bring your stress level back down to earth.

Kirschner, who specializes in holistic medicine and counseling, says he and his partner, Dr. Rick Brinkman, first discovered the connection between stress and dealing with difficult people in medical school.

“We had a mentor,” he explains, “who told us we needed to learn how to listen to be effective in dealing with our patients’ illnesses. So that’s what we did. And we soon realized that they all had stress driving their conditions, and the stress was related to not knowing how to deal with their spouses, children, in-laws, co-workers, bosses, employees and customers.”

The List After giving the topic careful study, Kirschner and Brinkman identified their 10 most unwanted list. Kirschner emphasizes that these are behaviors, not ironclad personality types. Depending on circumstances, anyone may exhibit any of these behaviors.

“All human beings represent a range of behaviors,” Kirschner says. “That behavior changes depending on where we are, who we’re with, what’s going on and where our priorities lie. Almost everyone knows what it’s like to be in a hurry when something gets in front of you and blocks your way. Likewise, we also know what it’s like to be moving at a comfortably slow pace and have someone in back urging us to hurry up. What this points to is that different circumstances trigger different behaviors, even in the same person. And what we know about human relationships is that no one cooperates with anyone who seems to be against them.”

This reaction to a perceived threat is what causes people to demonstrate difficult behaviors. In addition to Mr. Maybe, the grenade and the tank, Kirschner fills the list with seven more types most salespeople will almost surely recognize.

“There’s the sniper,” he explains, “who is constantly picking at you, trying to diminish your accomplishments. I think sniping is fairly typical between peers in sales, where there’s often that battle of one-upsmanship. Then there’s the know-it-all, who will never listen to your clearly inferior ideas. That person is contrasted with the think-they-know-it-all, who is always offering misleading information.

“Next we have the yes sirs, who say yes either because they think that’s what you want to hear, or because they haven’t really given any thought to what’s been proposed. You say to the yes sirs, ‘Can you have it done by two o’clock?’ And they say, ‘Sure.’ You come back at two asking for it and they say, ‘What?’

“On the opposite spectrum from the yes sir is the no way, who always shoots you down, or immediately looks for what’s wrong with an idea. They say no because it’s a surefire way of avoiding mistakes. If you don’t do anything, nothing can go wrong.”

One behavior type, which Dr. Kirschner calls the “nothing” person, is actually divided into two distinct characterizations.

“The nothing person gives you no feedback,” he says. “You ask them a question and they say nothing. But there are nice nothing people and angry nothing people. The nice nothing people don’t have anything nice to say, so they don’t say anything at all. The angry nothing people break pencils, slam doors, slam drawers, and when you ask them what’s wrong, they say ‘nothing.'”

Everyone knows Kirschner’s tenth behavior type, the whiner, all too well. “We think the whiner is probably the easiest to make fun of,” he says. “But at times we all exemplify some whining tendencies. When work piles up, or when a series of things go wrong, the whiner tends to make an appearance. And some people are just chronic complainers.”

Identifying the common behaviors of difficult people, however, is only half the battle. To produce the result you want, it’s tougher but essential to learn how to handle each of the 10 most unwanted behaviors. Of course, as Kirschner points out, an ounce of prevention can serve you well in the long run.

The Cure “With the maybe person who’s always putting you off,” he says, “chances are they don’t feel comfortable. The way to prevent that problem is to create a climate of comfort around the person you’re trying to get a decision from. Make it comfortable for them to think about it, to talk about any concerns they might have. So if someone says, ‘Let me think about it,’ you say, ‘Great. I really appreciate your willingness to think about it. Maybe you could tell me what concerns you have that you’re going to think about.’ And they may tell you exactly what you need to know to be able to help them. On the other hand, if they say that they don’t really have any concerns, that they were just saying that to be polite, you can thank them for their honesty and let it go. Either way you’ve gotten to the heart of the matter and dealt with that aggravating ‘maybe.'”

Some behaviors are so frustrating, and even intimidating, that people frequently respond in the exact opposite manner than they should. Kirschner says this often occurs when you run into a tank or get blindsided by a grenade.

“When someone’s losing control or really blowing their stack,” he explains, “most people don’t want to deal with it. So we run for cover, walk away or avoid the person. But becoming a nothing person with a grenade increases the likelihood of a grenade exploding because they want attention. So when you withdraw from them, you’re just provoking that same behavior all the more. Likewise with a tank, you often try to be nice and polite to them. But being nice and polite takes time, and that’s what they don’t want. Tanks want to get to the point, focus on the problem, offer a solution and move on. The better you can do that, the better you can handle that behavior.

“Here’s another example of how we do the exact opposite of what we should. Say you’re dealing with somebody who’s procrastinating. Well, the more pressure you put on, the harder it is for them to feel comfortable, and the harder it becomes for them to think. So now they definitely can’t make a decision. Admittedly, some of our recommendations are blinding flashes of the obvious, but people often just don’t see on their own. With somebody who’s pushy, get to the point. With somebody who’s negative, be logical and work step by step. With a wishy-washy person, make them comfortable, bring things to the surface. And with someone who’s distracting or disruptive, give them a little attention.

“The same is true with the think-they-know-it-all. Don’t argue with them, because they’ll just dig in their heels and fight you all the more. For example, let’s say your company needs to make a purchasing decision about computers, and a think-they-know-it-all chimes in his two cents by saying, ‘We need a computer that’s IBM-compatible with big disks because we’ve got big information.’ Clearly, this person has no idea what he’s talking about. But when you’re dealing with this person, don’t put him on the defensive; instead, give him a little attention. Say, ‘Hey, I think it’s great that you care that we get the very best system for our needs.’ And then just tell it like it is, which could be the exact opposite of what he said. He won’t care because it was never about the information to begin with. These people just want to look important, and you can furnish that.”

Ultimately, no matter how irritating other people’s behavior is, or how much they attack you verbally, in reality the problem is almost always theirs, not yours. Rather than absorb all that negativity and stress, Kirschner instead recommends that you adopt effective strategies.

“The way you become effective,” he says, “is to know what you want. All stress is based on knowing what you don’t want. ‘I don’t want this to take so long,’ ‘I don’t want to be uncomfortable,’ etc. So when you’re dealing with difficult behavior it’s absolutely key that you know what you want to have happen in your interaction with that person. What’s the outcome that you’re going for? Then pay attention to what they’re doing because that’s valuable feedback to you about what’s important to them. By their language and behavior they will show and tell you why they feel threatened. Wishy-washy people want to feel comfortable. Disruptive people need attention. Pushy people want to speed up the process. Negative people need to have their reservations addressed. Let their behavior guide your response. And remember, it’s not about you at all.”

The Choice Admittedly, the idea of being accommodating might represent the diametrical opposite of what we would prefer to do to difficult people. The tendency to say to yourself, “This person’s behavior is telling me that he really wants a punch in the nose,” should probably be quelled, however. In fact, according to Kirschner, in every situation involving a difficult person you have four distinct options.

“The first choice,” he says, “is to continue to suffer. The second is to walk away. Voting with your feet is an option. If you see the discussion is going nowhere, there’s no foreseeable payoff or you’re losing control of yourself, that’s a good time to cut your losses and walk away. Come back when you have a clearer idea of what you want to have happen. It makes no sense to stick around and make things worse.

“Your third choice is to change your attitude. That means finding some way to look at them or think about them that lets you accept them as they are, where you know that their behavior is not about you. The fourth and final choice is to change your behavior. That means that if what you’re doing isn’t working, anything else is more likely to work than what’s guaranteed not to work. So the risk is really minimal. But the important thing to remember is that you always have a choice, and you are always making a choice. If you decide to do nothing, and continue to suffer, that’s a choice. Of course once you recognize that you’re making this choice, it will also probably become apparent that it’s a highly flawed choice, and you’ll likely decide to try something else.”

To reach Dr. Kirschner, write R&R Productions, 24195 Juanita Dr., Quail Valley, CA 92587 or call 1-800-556-9996.