The Essence of Selling

For most of my 16 years in the hotel business, I hated selling. The hours of cold-call prospecting for “a piece of business” and the continuous rejection eventually took their toll. Even the glamorous sales trips, cocktail receptions and trade shows where I felt “onstage” became all work and no fun. Many times I looked forward to the end of the day when I could remove my mask.

The mental pictures of sales meetings with dapper salespeople recounting victories and losses are forever etched in my mind. My successes were hollow victories except where strong relationships and friendships developed. I keep in touch with many of those friends even today. Those relationships partly compensated for the typical win/lose power struggles that occurred in so many of my buyer-seller contacts.

The successes did, however, give me a rapid movement up the organization chart into several sales management positions where I discovered that most of my salespeople felt the same way I did about selling. This became more obvious when, as vice president of sales and marketing, I scheduled sales training for our sales staff. We hired a top sales trainer with all the right credentials and a good traditional sales training program. Yet, my group of talented salespeople were turned off. They rejected the techniques being taught.

These sessions prompted many discussions with my people on the essence of selling and I became convinced that the question of the relationship between the buyer and the seller could not be avoided.

I began to search for answers to some basic questions:

Can a person be successful at selling yet feel professional and ethical?

What are the skills we should teach salespeople?

Were there deeper issues involved in the building of a buyer-seller relationship?

Was the available sales training preparing people for the real world of selling or setting them up for more failure and rejection?

In my search, I met Dr. Thomas Gordon, the pioneer in interpersonal skills training, who is best known for his Parent Effectiveness Training and Leader Effectiveness Training books and training courses. In the last 20 years, over three million people in 24 different countries have read his books or participated in his training programs.

Gordon’s programs are based on this proven principle:

To develop strong enduring relationships, you need to acquire certain interpersonal skills – open and honest two-way communication, effective problem-solving and amicable no-lose resolution of conflicts. Equally important, you need to avoid manipulating, pushing, pressuring, dominating, hassling, or indirectly trying to control others to do what you want them to do. As our relationship developed, Tom and I spent many hours discussing the application of his model in selling. I had personally experienced the benefits of his ideas in the parent-child and manager-subordinate relationships; but I was truly skeptical when it came to the buyer-seller relationship.

In time, as I experimented with the new approach and saw the results in my own selling, I became a believer. Most people are neither born with the skills that Gordon’s system requires, nor do they grow up in a society that cultivates his philosophy and skills. But they can be taught the four major skills concepts that Gordon’s selling system requires: accurate listening, spontaneous assertiveness, no-lose conflict resolution and facilitating the buying process.

Accurate listening

The effective salesperson must be able to listen in a truly open manner to be able to hear what is actually said rather than what he or she wants to hear or expects to hear. I have found that the biggest barrier to accomplishing this is the salesperson’s preconceived solution to the client’s needs. This preconceived solution demands a specific line of questioning and listening for proper answers. Most salespeople actually put on a listening face as the other person talks, and secretly plan and rehearse their response…their next question. This questioning process pulls the focus away from the client’s needs to the salesperson’s needs. As a result, the salesperson fails to uncover the true needs or problems of the buyer. The salesperson handling the communication process in this “probing” manner comes across as pushy and self-centered and fits society’s negative perception of a salesperson…perfectly.

With Tom’s help, I have discovered that by dropping his or her solutions, the salesperson can concentrate on the two essential objectives: 1) to build a relationship on a strong foundation and 2) to create an atmosphere conducive to change on the part of the buyer. By setting aside our solutions, we are able to focus on the present and truly listen for the needs of our client. We drop our masks, our efforts to impress and influence, and project a more interested, honest and genuine image. We, in fact, establish the credibility and rapport critical to the relationship. Salespeople traditionally are taught to “overcome resistance to change.” Tom stressed to me a well documented principle that says, “For people to change, they must feel free to express their resistance to the new and their loyalty to the old. “Traditional sales training teaches salespeople how to “overcome buyer objections.” Gordon’s listening system teaches them how to facilitate an open expression of those objections.

Spontaneous assertiveness

Many salespeople cannot believe that standard selling lines and phrases are sometimes of no value. I say to them what Tom said to me. “If you listen to the needs of the customer closely enough, you will know automatically what to say.” Effective salespeople have more spontaneity and more expressiveness than their peers. Both words, spontaneity and expressiveness, imply honesty, naturalness and truthfulness.

One of my favorite salespeople who worked for me was Tracy. She was very spontaneous, natural and expressive. Many of her peers looked down their noses at her “unprofessional” style. However clients loved her. They respected her openness and honesty, believed in her, and booked a great deal of business with her.

So, you can now see what I have learned from personal experiences. Not only does the Gordon model provide listening skills that help salespeople discover the real customer but also assertion skills that help buyers discover the real salesperson. Both are required in building an honest, productive and enduring relationship.

No-lose conflict resolution

During any relationship, however, conflicts do arise. It is perfectly natural for them to occur. The way these conflicts are handled is critical. I find that many salespeople think there are only two outcomes of conflict. I win/you lose or I lose/you win.

Salespeople are amazed to hear me say, “Don’t ever allow yourself to lose in a conflict with a client.” Losers feel resentment towards winners. Like permissive parents (losers) who end up not liking their kids, permissive salespeople end up not liking their clients. Instead, salespeople are surprised to learn and experience a method of resolving all conflicts whereby they do not lose and neither does the client. Only in this no-lose relationship can they interact effectively in the buying-selling process.

Facilitating and buying process

“Throw away the basic selling steps that have been taught for years and you will eliminate most customer resistance.”

When Tom said that to me in his office in June of 1984, I knew we were close to the real essence of selling. The application of the Gordon relationship model to the buying-selling process was finally hitting home to me. As with many “revelations,” it is really very basic.

The buyer and seller come together in this interaction for an exchange. A product or service is usually exchanged for money. This exchange occurs between two human beings, each with his own needs, fears and doubts. The buyer brings to the situation previous experiences with pushy, manipulative, even dishonest salespersons. The seller brings to the situation experiences with all kinds of buyers…demanding, prone to bargain, unwilling to change, and so on. In other words, this is one of those social arguments that set people against each other naturally. Salespeople who think they can control such a complex situation and breeze through certain prescribed selling steps are ignoring the adversarial nature of the relationship. They are setting themselves up for a certain failure. Selling does not happen in five or six consecutive steps. Instead, selling happens when the seller knows where the buyer is in the process.

My search for the essence of selling has been one of strong personal growth. I have also realized that I was not alone in my uncomfortable feelings about selling and my desire to find a better, more human way. Daily I talk to and meet salespeople with similar frustrations – salespeople who see no relief. Either their companies do not provide any type of sales training at all, or they still cling to more traditional programs teaching a “sales process,” “probing skills,” “standard presentations,” and a multitude of “closing techniques,” with no emphasis on interpersonal skills.

I know now that there can be a profession of selling that can provide us with a source of greater pride, self-satisfaction, and self-respect. Salespeople who have these feelings will not only produce better results, but will also enjoy what they do and have more fun in the bargain. The essence of selling lies in the person-to-person exchange and it always will.

In 1982 Carl D. Zaiss left a highly successful 16-year career in the hotel industry and founded the Sales Effectiveness Group. He worked with Dr. Thomas Gordon in the development of the Synergistic Selling Training Program.

He now trains thousands of salespeople and sales managers in the United States and Canada in the concepts of this dynamic and innovative approach to sales training.

The Sales Effectiveness Group is based in St. Louis, Missouri. For more information write: 1001 Craig Rd., Ste. 318, St. Louis, MO 63146 or call 314/993-1213.