Balancing Act

By Gerhard Gschwandtner and LB Gschwandtner

In this exclusive article, noted psychiatrist Dr. Charles Parker outlines the typical sales behaviors that can lead to a cycle of compulsive and unproductive activity. While these behaviors can inhibit top performance and personal satisfaction, Dr. Parker also offers a surprising cure.

According to Parker, salespeople must deploy two essential talents in order to reach success: They must be able to build relationships and close sales. If a salesperson can apply both talents equally, you’re looking at a sales superstar. But the salesperson who focuses too much on building relationships will make a lot of friends, but few sales. The salesperson who is too preoccupied with closing the sale will forfeit customer loyalty and repeat business.

What causes salespeople to get off balance? Why do some salespeople get stuck in the relationship mode, while others get obsessed with closing to the point of alienating their own best customers? Dr. Parker’s clinical explanation is simple but not readily accepted: addictive behavior patterns.

How Addiction Affects Performance

We all recognize the havoc a drug or alcohol addiction wreaks on a person’s life. The first casualty is often balance. The addict’s life becomes so skewed to the needs of the addiction, everything else takes a back seat and the person’s life tilts ominously in one direction. In sales the tilt may be more subtle but no less damaging. Sales professionals can lose their successful edge if they fail to balance their talents for forming relationships with their need to close sales.

Dr. Parker says, “Any activity that has a certain measure of gratification associated with it can have the potential of becoming addictive. It doesn’t matter if it’s drinking, spending money, running or working in sales.” While other professions usually offer highs only for those who reach the very pinnacle – say a football star – in selling anyone can get a rush out of landing a big order.

Does closing a sale give you a high? Do you get excited when you meet a new prospect? Do you get a feeling of bliss when you’ve met your sales quota?

People in sales can easily become addicted (and thrown off balance) by the adrenaline rush associated with certain phases of the selling cycle. The more you do it, the more kicks you get.

Is there anything wrong with pumping your fist through the air, expressing a triumphant “yessss,” when you return to the office with that big, fat, record-busting, signed contract? Nothing at all, says Parker, as long as you are able to achieve balance. If you really enjoy selling, and if you don’t get hung up in any one particular part of it – such as meeting new people or closing – you’re not likely to suffer from an addictive pattern.

Surprisingly, at some point in their career many salespeople lose their ability to balance their selling talents. Some salespeople get addicted to relationships to the point that they ignore the potential for closing the sale; other salespeople get so addicted to the thrill of closing that they stop caring about the customer. Parker says, “The relationship builder becomes ineffective in dealing with the potential for business; the closer fumbles in the relationship with the customer.”

The Closing Addict

The sure way to recognize a closing addict is to listen to their statements about the sales process. For example:

“Closing is the process of transferring money from the prospect’s pocket into mine.”

“In selling you’ve got only two choices: Either you sell the customer or the customer sells you. You either close or you lose.”

“It doesn’t matter if the customer is weird, as long as the check has cleared.”

Closers are attractive, intelligent, quick with their words and often economically successful. They are very focused on numbers, obsessed with their sales goals and with collecting commission checks. Their main preoccupation is to sell something to everyone they meet. Closing addicts want to get what they want with a vengeance and quickly move on to the next prospect. Impatient to get to the brief, emotional high at the conclusion of the sale, they don’t allow the conversation to get sidetracked. They know how to attack the prospect’s defenses with surgical precision so they can reach their key objective: another closed sale.

Dr. Parker says, “Closing addicts are users. They say that they like people, but they are just using them to satisfy their impulse for a temporary high. They are takers instead of exchangers. They take what they can get from everyone. They are consuming the external world, taking it in and spitting it out.”

Closing addicts rarely talk about their personal lives and believe that taking a client to a ball game is a waste of time. They carefully conceal their own feelings and don’t want to deal with anything emotional. To protect themselves they wear a polite, yet unemotional mask. To some, they may appear to be cold-blooded sales sharks, but in reality they tend to feel quite vulnerable on the inside. Why? They tend to believe that their self-worth depends on racking up big sales. They think that if they succeed in controlling external reality (and ignoring their feelings), they will be happy and successful.

According to Parker, closing addicts may even feel that they are being used by their prospects. If a customer does not follow through with a promise, they often get enraged. Dr. Parker explains, “Closing addicts are basically chasing prospects in a very consumptive way. They tend to believe that if they are chasing something on the outside and get it, that’s going to make them whole, happy and secure. The problem is, they keep on chasing with increasing intensity while they are getting further away from where they really want to be. Sooner or later their lack of balance will catch up with them and the salesperson who has become addicted to closing will start to fail.”

Closing addicts are not good team players since they have a hard time giving up control. Sales managers tend to like closing addicts for one major reason: They are often part of the 20 percent that make 80 percent of the sales. Yet their high sales come at a high price: many canceled orders, little repeat business and many missed sales opportunities.

Says Dr. Parker, “Closing addicts tend to operate from a defensive position. Even if it appears that they are selling a lot, they may miss a lot of business and could experience more pleasure and satisfaction from selling. They can learn how to achieve a healthy balance, and produce more value for themselves and their company.” Closing addicts suffer from one common ailment; they play the role of the Lone Ranger.

The Lone Ranger

Dr. Parker writes in his book Deep Recovery (Hawkeye Press, 1992): “Remember how Clayton Moore became the masked avenger of the West? Think about the relationship characteristics of the Lone Ranger. Did he greet people warmly? Did he have a happy family life? Did he talk much? Did he really connect in his personal relationships? No. The Lone Ranger was a metaphor for the prototypical warrior-hero. He avoided relationships and worked on controlling external reality.”

The key to understanding the psychology of the Lone Ranger lies in understanding his vulnerabilities. He was riding with his Texas Ranger friends when they were ambushed and all the Rangers were killed, except him. Nursed back by a kind Indian, he swore revenge on all those who were lawless in the West. With a mask, a white horse and silver bullets he dedicated his life to a repetitive vindication of a traumatic event. Afraid of being caught again in an unpredictable situation where he could be killed, he decided to go on the offense in the hope of wiping out the evil on the outside. By focusing on action, he continued to avoid coming to terms with the evil on the inside (his trauma) and never learned to lead a happy and balanced life.

Says Parker, “He was hiding his feelings. He was drawn to a higher order principle outside of himself – survival. He became the caretaker and values enforcer of the West. He was out of balance because he felt victimized by reality. But ultimately he became a victim himself – by being alone, by having no family, no ranch with a warm bed, and no circle of friends.”

The Relationship Addict

Many pursue a career in selling because they like to meet other people. New relationships often carry the promise of new sales, a better future and the potential of a dream turned into reality.

Although there is nothing wrong with feeling pleased about connecting with new prospects, some salespeople become gratified on an emotional level to the point where they actually avoid doing business.

To relationship addicts, fresh new sales leads are always a source of excitement. When new leads appear, they can’t wait to get to the relationship rush. They immediately call to set up a meeting, regardless of existing priorities. It is not uncommon for them to schedule a series of appointments, travel from coast to coast, meet a dozen clients in a couple of days, promise them the moon, fly back, but never follow up with any of them.

Relationship addicts like to press the flesh, schmooze people and push the prospect’s hot buttons. Instead of building a profitable business relationship, they only use the prospect to satisfy their need for connecting on a personal level.

While they are on a roll with the personal relationship, they feel powerful and worthwhile but at the same time they feel ill at ease with advancing the sale.

Why? Parker explains that relationship addicts worry about spoiling the warm and comfortable feelings when they have to cross the boundaries from personal matters to discussing business. Their fear of rejection and their excessive need to relate will block the way to the sale. In fact, relationship addicts actually stall the sales process when many customers would prefer it to move forward.

Parker asserts, “Relationship addicts are, metaphorically speaking, drunk on having the relationship. To them, other parts of the sales process don’t offer an equal amount of gratification. That is why they often neglect vital steps of the sales process such as closing the sale.” The alcohol addict prefers another drink to going home and facing the reality of life; the relationship addict prefers schmoozing the client to dealing with the business at hand.

Even when their customers steer the conversation toward business, their addictive impulses often throw the switch back from the business track to the relationship track. This out-of-balance behavior is doubly unproductive. After a typical sales call, relationship addicts will not have solved their relationship problem, and their customers will not have solved their business problem.

Many relationship addicts are order-takers at best. When a customer calls in with an order, they brag to everyone in the office that they’ve “closed” another sale. They naturally assume that they got the order because of the strong, personal bond they formed with the customer. If they fail to get the order, they often feel victimized and disappointed.

Relationship addicts like to be part of the sales team; however, other team members are often put off by their excessive need to talk and “relate.”

How do relationship addicts deal with the sales manager?

They often manipulate their manager with disarming words and subservient, puppy dog looks. In a competitive world, where good candidates are hard to find, managers have a hard time resisting someone with a natural talent for chewing the fat. Like suckerfish that hang around the underbelly of large sharks for protection, relationship addicts lead a parasitic existence.

Large companies tend to carry more than their fair share of relationship addicts on the payroll. Why? First, they often make more sales calls than others. Second, they use their natural instincts for telling people what they want to hear from the receptionist to the CEO. Third, relationship addicts are always eager to sign up for new training classes, yet they often resist change. Most managers fail to realize that their people-friendly salesperson has been thrown off balance and become addicted to an invisible drug that inhibits growth. They play the role of helpless victim.

The Helpless Victim

According to Parker, helpless victims want childhood to go on forever. Afraid of being alone or abandoned, they cling dependently on relationships. In their hearts they believe that they aren’t capable of taking care of themselves. They are frightened of the real world and feel helpless to cope with reality and constant change. Their solution to coping with life and to calming their fears is to become dependent on another person. Helpless victims avoid dealing with the realities of life by manipulating others to care for them. They refuse to take action, they avoid responsibility and expect others to come to their rescue in order to ensure their survival.

In selling, the helpless victim seeks the comfort of a protective relationship. Since they are afraid of rocking the boat, they decide to avoid the realities of asking for the business. Such salespeople often allow customers to take advantage of them. They give too much of themselves and have a hard time establishing boundaries.

While helpless victims exaggerate their dependency, Lone Rangers deny it altogether. While helpless victims over-dramatize their feelings, Lone Rangers refuse to talk about them. What do both have in common? They both fear aspects of reality, are afraid of change and are essentially dependent on the outside world for feelings of self-worth. While the Lone Ranger depends on action, the Helpless Victim depends on words and emotions. While the Lone Ranger works too hard at controlling reality and avoids relationships, the Helpless Victim works too hard at forming relationships and avoids reality. While the Helpless Victim leaves everything open and fails to close, the Lone Ranger closes everything and fails to open up. Both types are living out of balance. They have learned to react to life with a protective, self-defeating illusion.

Success Through Balance

Parker believes that optimum sales will come through balance. He explains, “You are in front of a prospect for two reasons: You’re interested in that person as a human being and you want to make a sale. Both are valid and intertwined. Although we all have the talents to act as Lone Rangers or Helpless Victims, we can make a choice to abandon these extreme positions in favor of a balanced approach.” Parker recommends thinking of the balance point as the middle of an applause meter. At the far end to the left is the relationship addict. At the far right is the closing junkie. In the middle is the balance point.

Here are the three keys for achieving balance:

1. Be friendly. This means to be able to connect on a personal level, to empathize with the customer, to smile, to show emotions, to listen to the customer’s needs, hopes, wants and dreams. It also means to care for the customer as a human being and, if possible, help them satisfy their needs. To be friendly requires accepting the customer for who he or she is and respecting the customer’s freedom to choose.

Avoid becoming addicted to being friendly all the time. Relationship addicts can learn that if all they do is serve like a slave, they will get burned out. They can tell themselves that if they just give and give and give, they will feel depleted and victimized.

2. Be firm. To be firm means to have the inner desire to close the sale, regardless of the hard work, self-discipline and perseverance that is demanded by the client. Firmness is the ability to confidently lead the conversation from personal matters to the business at hand and to direct the sales process from the opening to the close. To be firm means to say “no” to unreasonable requests, or demands that violate your boundaries.

Avoid becoming a closing addict. Instead of saying, “How can I get this person to do what I want them to do,” you can say, “I really need to identify my customer’s needs and work to satisfy those needs.” Once you realize the benefit of developing solutions, as compared to a slam dunk sale, you will feel more productive, worthwhile and fulfilled.

3. Strive for balance. While friendliness opens doors, firmness closes sales. To achieve success we must balance both qualities. How? Develop a plan for building a solid relationship with your customer and create a business strategy for each call.

Learn to read and interpret your customer’s signals. If the relationship goes well, advance the sale; if the sale goes well, move on to the close. Parker advises: “I like to think that the customer is the ultimate teacher of the salesperson and the company. Every sales call can be a source of learning. Sometimes the lessons can be painful; however, pain leads us to positive change. What you learn is often much more valuable than money, because the prospect will teach you how to get the right balance on the next call. The next prospect will teach you even more and soon you can become a very successful sales professional.”

To ensure optimum success, create a more balanced prospect base. Don’t rule out calling on prospects who are unemotional, controlling and perfectionistic. Don’t exclude calling on customers who are overly friendly. Guard against calling predominantly on prospects who are like you.

Finally, apply the concept of balance to managing yourself. Strive to be firm and friendly with yourself. Firmness helps you set more challenging goals; friendliness will help you enjoy the rewards. Firmness keeps you focused when sales are high; friendliness keeps your self-esteem up even when sales are down.

For more information on Dr. Charles Parker and his consulting company, write Consultation and Training Strategies, 168 Business Park Dr., Ste. 101, Virginia Beach, VA 23462, or call 804/473-3750, fax 804/473-3768.