Love and Aggression

By Gerhard Gschwandtner

Have you ever noticed how sales and marketing professionals tend to use two seemingly opposing languages? One, the language of aggression, is rich in military analogies and spiced with appeals to fight, conquer, and win. Its counterpart is the language of love, of caring, nurturing, and happiness. Although they may seem contradictory, together both languages hold the key to personal and professional success.

In successful companies, aggressive language is commonplace. For example, in a speech before his company’s national sales force, Bill Razzouk, then a vice president of US sales at Federal Express, used the following words to stimulate the aggressive drive of the sales team: “The competition want the food off your family’s table, they want the clothes off your back, they want to put us out of business!”

Often, aggressive language is imbedded in softer statements, yet when we listen closely, we can easily recognize its power. For example, we speak of “conquering” new markets, we engage in a “battle” for higher sales and profit, we “bring in the big guns” to win a new account, we see our competition as “cut throat,” we “kill off” unprofitable product lines, or when salespeople don’t fulfill quota, they’re “fired.”

The use of aggressive or combative language is not monopolized by men. For example, a female sales executive was quoted in an article published by Forbes magazine as saying, “Me, I plow on through. If you’re in my way, that’s your problem. If I can’t achieve my goal one way, I’ll find another way. I won’t deviate from my goal. Important thing to remember: you create your limitations. It doesn’t have anything to do with biology.”

Al Neuharth, founder of USA Today and former chairman of Gannett, wrote, “An S.O.B. is someone who uses whatever tactics it takes to get the job done, to rise to the top. As nicely as possible. A little nastiness when necessary.” A master in the use of controlled aggression, he also said, “Controlled egos make deals. Out-of-control egos break deals.”

Aggressive bosses tend to attract people who share similar qualities. Valerie Salembier, formerly vice president of advertising sales at USA Today, readily admitted that her favorite spectator sport, boxing, with its elements of power, controlled aggression, and speed, echoes parts of her personality. She once described herself as “a scrapper, a feisty person.”

Salespeople, however, liberally use the language of love and caring. We hear such terms as “nursing” or “babysitting” a new account or treating a disgruntled customer with TLC. Others describe the need for “hand-holding” to persuade a reluctant client, or they refer to a little “tug at the heart.” In some cases, salespeople express the language of love without words; they may use a softer tone of voice when they describe key product benefits. They may employ gestures that communicate complete devotion and affection toward their product.

In the early days of his presidency, Ronald Reagan was in a planning session for the reception of a South American head of state. He was told by his aides that his visitor was going to give a speech criticizing the United States. President Reagan just glanced at his worried aides and said with a smile, “Well, we’ll just smother him with love!” He knew that a healthy dose of love can often produce better results than a mighty blast of aggression.

Like aggression, love releases powerful energy. While aggressive energy works best when applied to problems, the emotional energy of love works best when applied to people.

In an issue of Organizational Dynamics, Rodney Ferris wrote, “Through love, managers can release the vast amount of human energy in an organization and thus increase productivity and creativity.” To work at its optimum level, love must be properly channeled. Love directed toward oneself tends to increase our sense of vulnerability, while love directed toward others tends to strengthen us.

Doctor Norman Vincent Peale once told the story of a famous Hollywood actor who consulted him about his self-doubt and feelings of inferiority when he had to address an audience. Instead of responding with fear, this actor overcame the problem by loving the people in the audience. He described it as sending out love vibrations. When he started doing that, his ability to perform improved.

Sales trainers offer sound advice on how to direct the power of love for optimum results. Sales trainer Tom Hopkins told his audience, “Champions love people and use money, not the other way around.” Zig Ziglar offered these words of wisdom, “You can get anything in life you want, if you help enough other people get what they want.”

Society has established firm boundaries to regulate how we express love and aggression. Too much love or aggression in business leads to serious trouble. We can’t kill our competitors, and we can’t conceive of marrying every prospect. The key to success lies in the appropriate use of our drives.

Harry Levinson, a noted psychologist and lecturer at Harvard Business School, once wrote, “Just as there are always processes of growth and destruction in all biological matter, there are similar processes in the personality. These drives constitute the basic, primitive energy sources for the personality.”

As mankind learned to transform the primitive energy of a stream into electricity, we can transform the power of aggression and love into a superior and highly useful force necessary to survive, grow, and prosper. Sigmund Freud pointed out that transforming these powers demands serious effort.

In a lecture on anxiety and instinctual life, Freud told his students, “Restriction of the individual’s aggressiveness is the first and perhaps severest sacrifice which society requires of him.” The sacrifice, however, often leads to attractive payoffs and extraordinary achievement.

Laurie Hayden, a noted Australian psychologist, advised people on how to win in sports and business. Hayden concluded that controlled aggression is a major component in any kind of winning. To win, we must harness our psychological energy and must become its master, not its slave.

In his Harvard Business Review article, “What Killed Bob Lyons,” Harry Levinson wrote, “A major psychological task for every human being is to fuse these drives so that the constructive drive (love) tempers, guides.” Levinson uses this analogy: “Think of an automobile engine. A mixture of gasoline and air serves as the energy source. If there is too much gasoline, the engine will flood. If there is too much air, then it will sputter and die. With the right blend or fusion of fuel, and particularly with considerably more air than gasoline, with the gasoline then channeled through a mechanical structure, the automobile engine can serve a useful purpose.”

As with all sources of energy, harnessing and refining the original power is only the beginning. The real challenge comes with its economic use. Looking at the different levels of energy released, as well as the type of mix, we recognize four distinct categories of personality: low aggression/high love, high aggression/low love, low aggression/low love, and high aggression/high love.

Like a thermometer reading varies according to the amount of energy received from the sun, these categories, which are explained below, are only illustrations of personality characteristics that can be found when our inner drives produce a certain mix of psychic energy over a long period of time. It is good to remember that we are in control of the thermostat setting and can choose just how much love or aggressive energy we are willing to invest to achieve success.

1. Low Aggression/High Love: The Below-Pressure Achiever
Salespeople who continuously invest into their customer relationships their abundant capacity to love without deploying an equal measure of aggressive energy tend to act like the romantic lover: they dream of bliss but are too timid to kiss the bride or get married. In this category, we find the kind of salespeople who love to “waltz” with their prospects and have great conversations but ultimately go nowhere. They love the product, are good listeners and show great empathy, hate price increases, and can be overly generous with discounts. These salespeople put a much higher value on friendships than on orders, and they would be better off working in the PR department. They love books on psychology and human relations and tend to be overly concerned with confirming their customers’ feelings. Their preoccupation with getting along well with others often translates into much longer sales calls and above-average telephone bills.

2. High Aggression/Low Love: The High-Pressure Achiever
Salespeople who allow their aggressive energy to be released without the guiding forces of love lean toward high-pressure selling. Often impatient with people’s emotions, they have a hard time understanding their customers’ feelings. They often ignore their prospect’s subtle nonverbal expressions and in many cases believe that a sales presentation is not over until they get “their money” out of the client’s pocket. They love books on military history, war stories, or biographies of military leaders. These salespeople, who are hard on themselves, can be very successful in one-call selling situations when repeat business is less important. They are often hired for pioneer sales jobs, since they easily shake off rejection, but they tend to have above-average cancellation rates. They often experience problems with being team players and prefer to work alone, without a partner. Their lack of love and care makes it difficult for them to maintain close friendships. They view the world as a battleground where only the fittest survive, and they are often preoccupied with survival issues. To some people showing these tendencies, even high levels of financial success fail to produce feelings of self-satisfaction.

3. Low Aggression/Low Love: The Underachiever
Lack of aggressive energy and low capacity for love are the trademarks of complacent underachievers. Their low drive prevents them from setting goals, they despise cold calling, and they often wonder about the lack of “realistic” sales opportunities. They tend to give up in situations when a little persistence would have earned them an extra sale, and they shrug off lost sales with fatalistic statements. Their low drive for caring leads them to blame management, as well as their own customers, for their poor sales records. Salespeople with these characteristics tend to find refuge in the ranks of large companies, where the lack of aggressiveness is mistaken for the ability to conform, and the lack of love is interpreted as freedom from emotionalism. The absence of healthy, outward-directed drives can often lead to personal problems, which can stall career growth.

4. High Aggression/High Love: The Superachiever
To win in sales, we need to balance our drives and fuse them appropriately. Each situation requires a slightly different mix of love and aggressiveness. Well-balanced salespeople pursue their goals aggressively, while they show genuine care about their customers and co-workers. They balance their ability to listen with the urge to move the sale forward to the close. They can be firm while defending their price, and they don’t hesitate to collect an overdue account while maintaining a friendly and respectful attitude. They tend to balance their self-development by improving their people knowledge while advancing their professional skills. Their key concerns are flexibility, balance, integrity, and consistent success. Smooth with people, tough with tasks, they are the personal charmers and professional top guns. They recover quickly from setbacks, take good care of themselves, and show a high level of emotional coping skills. They are aware of their responsibility for maintaining balance and continually adjust their drives to the demands of each new situation.

They are well aware that if they pursue a sale too aggressively, their customers will sense high-pressure tactics and withdraw from the negotiating table. They also know that if they lower their aggressive drive, they will fail to ask for the order and end up disappointed. Knowing that perfection is impossible, they allow room for mistakes yet do not dwell on them and move on quickly. Although they are functioning well above the levels of many others, they readily admit that they still have a lot to learn. Superachievers know that we can all benefit from becoming stronger fighters, better lovers, and above all, more balanced men and women.