ARE YOU AN APPROVAL ADDICT?

In the quiz below, you will find 10 questions. Please answer by picking them the statement that reflects how you think most of the time (I tend to agree, I feel neutral, I tend to disagree.)



1. When a prospect criticizes me, my product, or my company, this is a valid reason for getting upset.

2. I feel I should give up my own interest in order to please my clients and prospects.

3. I need other people’s approval to feel good about myself.

4. If someone strongly expects me to do something for him, I usually feel I really should do it.

5. My value as a person depends greatly on what others think of me.

6. If a prospect dislikes me, I generally feel less worthwhile.

7. If a prospect does not buy from me, I frequently conclude that I have not approached him appropriately.

8. Before I present my product to a group of buyers, I tend to imagine all the things that could go wrong.

9. I should be upset with myself if I make a mistake.

10. If I can’t settle a difference of opinion with a buyer, I usually tend to avoid him in the future.

HOW TO INTERPRET YOUR SCORE

Assign 2 points to each question you’ve answered with “I tend to agree.” Assign one point to “I feel neutral” and 0 points to “I tend to disagree.”

Now, add up your score. Since there are 10 questions, your score can vary between zero to 20.

A score between 14 and 20 indicates that you suffer from excessive approval addiction. You’ve learned how to evaluate yourself based on how other people see you. If peers. prospects, friends or superiors put you down, you tend to become anxious or depressed. This hurts your performance.

A score between seven and 13 indicates that the approval addiction causes you to look down on yourself more often than necessary. You tend to be oversensitive to what you imagine people think of you. This inhibits you and prevents you from achieving your sales goals.

A score between zero and six shows that you respond with a healthy sense of self-worth when confronted with criticism and disapproval. If the criticism is valid, you try to learn from it without getting defensive. If it’s not valid, you express your opinions in a tactful way, without putting the other person down. Your high self-esteem helps you in your personal and professional pursuits. Because you feel good about yourself, other people feel good about you, too!

Can you control disapproval?

The need for approval is almost universal in the profession of selling. As an approval addict, you’ve become a victim of the erroneous logic that you can measure your self-esteem based on the amount of approval or disapproval you get from others. You may even think this addiction helps you achieve sales success.

In reality, the need for approval prevents you from getting what you want, professionally and personally. It makes you miserable and impairs your effectiveness with customers. Your moods become like a roller coaster depending on how people react to you. The impact of a rude remark from a prospect can plunge you into excessive self-criticism and painful feelings of anger and hurt. For example, the approval addict may walk away from a nasty prospect saying: “I really don’t have what it takes…I am not cut out for this job…I really blew it this time.”

Because other people’s reactions to you are not ultimately under your control, approval addiction makes you a helpless victim. Since no one – regardless of how famous, talented or likeable he or she is – can assure a steady flow of praise, it’s to your advantage to learn how to maintain your sense of self-worth when you are under the fire of criticism.

You can learn to do this with a simple step-by-step self-training program, if you will invest a little effort. A word of caution: This does not mean you will learn to ignore other people or become insensitive to your customers. We are not promoting the idea that you should place your own interests above others or become selfishly preoccupied. with “ME.” Quite to the contrary.When criticism no longer has the capacity to overwhelm you, you will find that you can become a more responsive listener.

You’ll become better in handling selling resistance and in closing sales. This is because negative judgment will no longer threaten your self-esteem, so you will be able to listen far more attentively to the needs and feelings of your customers.

The dynamics of approval addiction in selling:

One of the disadvantages of being an approval addict is that when prospects or clients criticize you, your company or your product, you tend to become upset. You may feel threatened or less worthwhile. This causes you to respond with either aggressive or defensive forms of behavior which can easily kill a sale.

* Aggressive responses:

You insist the customer’s point of view is invalid.

Ex.: “You don’t understand…” or “You are incorrect…”

Interrupting — You prevent the client from communicating a negative point of view.

Ex.: Wait a minute…” or “Before you go on…” or “Hold it…”

Negative nonverbal expressions — Your body language testifies your need to fight any opposing view.

Ex.: Hands motioning against client.

Leaning far forward. Raised shoulders; hands forming fists. Increased rate of speech. Shaking your head negatively while the customer tries to speak.

* Defensive responses:

Self-blaming – You automatically assume responsibility for an imagined mistake.

Ex.: “Perhaps there is something that I didn’t explain. Do you want me to go over certain parts again?”

Failing to listen – You don’t encourage the prospect to share additional information which has contributed to his negative point of view.

“Yes-escape” – You agree with everything the client says, stop negotiating and lose the sale.

Your fear of disapproval makes you argumentative or defensive. The ironic part is that none of these responses will persuade a prospect to reconsider his (negative) point of view. Your negative reaction will only reconfirm his Initial (negative) opinion.

These self-defeating responses can quickly destroy the chances of making the sale. The aggressive/defensive barriers that you’ve developed to protect yourself from criticism are the very roadblocks that prevent you from responding effectively and selling successfully.

The five step program for overcoming the fear of disapproval:

STEP ONE

Rewrite your own rules for personal approval

The unwritten rule developed by the approval addict may state: “In order to be worthwhile and to feel good about myself, I must get everybody’s approval.”

You’ll gain a more objective perspective by appraising the advantages and disadvantages of believing this.

Advantages of telling myself I need everybody’s approval:

*When I get my customer’s approval, I will feel terrific.

* I will always try hard to please my customer. This will motivate me to do my best.

Disadvantages of telling myself I need everybody’s approval:

* When people don’t approve of me, I will put myself down and feel inadequate. This will take away from my motivation and create anxiety and depression.

* Before a sales call, I will get anxious, worried and uptight because of the fear that I may not be successful.

* My moods will go up and down unpredictably since I can’t control how my customers react to me.

* When I do get disapproval from people, I tend to become defensive or argumentative. This will alienate them even more. Sometimes I may get passive and feel like an outcast – which is not very comfortable or pleasing to other people.

Now – weigh the advantages against the disadvantages. Which seems greater? If the disadvantages are more, then revise your personal philosophy. Rewrite the rules so that you keep the advantage but get rid of the disadvantages. You might decide to think more along these lines: “I can want and enjoy approval. If I don’t get someone’s approval, it’s uncomfortable but not the end of the world. I can try to learn from it, but I don’t need to put my self-esteem in the hands of other people.”

Here is an exercise for you: Take any statement of the quiz “Are you an approval addict?” that you agreed with and make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of believing it. Then weigh the advantages against the disadvantages, and revise the statement so it becomes more realistic and self-enhancing.

STEP TWO

Review the reasons why disapproval need not and cannot affect you:

Remember, your customers or prospects cannot criticize you or disapprove of you! They can only criticize or disapprove of something that you’ve said or done. They cannot disapprove of you as a whole person. Therefore, there is no rational need for you to collapse or feel upset if someone is trying to put you down.

If someone criticizes something that you’ve done, there are only three possibilities: a) they are entirely right, b) they are partially right, or c) they are entirely wrong.

In no case is it necessary for you to become upset, because if they are entirely wrong, it’s their mistake and no reflection on you. It only shows that they are quite human, like the rest of us.

If partially or entirely right, this only means that you’re an imperfect human being. The biggest mistake that you can make in the face of true criticism is to fear your own imperfections. Accept them as a part of being human. If you don’t it will cause you to cover them up when people criticize you. This only irritates or annoys prospects or customer.

While you imagine that you’re doing a splendid job in building an effective “smoke-screen,” people will usually see through it. Like many other irrational belief systems, the fear of disapproval harvests what you fear the most: disapproval.

Your best protection against disapproval or criticism lies in reappraising your main arguments for a healthy amount of self-respect. Here are the five major ones:

* As time changes, people’s opinions change.

A prospect’s disapproval is rarely permanent, especially if you’re willing to be flexible and open-minded. Differences of opinion are part of living and, in most cases, you can come to a common understanding later on.

* Customers are allowed to make mistakes – so are you.

When a prospect reacts negatively to you, it may due to his own irrational thinking. Even if the criticism is 100 percent accurate, you can learn from your mistakes and view it as a growth experience. Most people will then think more of you.

* Avoid the “Brushfire Fallacy.”

You may fear disapproval because you view it as a never-ending pattern of defeat. You think that disapproval is as dangerous as a brushfire because you assume it will spread. You might tell yourself “this is always happening to me,” or “everybody will reject me like this fellow did – he’ll spread the word about me.” This is an illusion. Disapproval can’t turn into a never-ending chain of rejections. No one has enough power to influence everybody to turn against you. What could they possibly do? Put a headline in the newspaper every day: “Sales rep makes mistake! Avoid him!” And even if they did, everyone will judge you differently, no matter what you do or say.

* Stop magnifying your prospects to the point that they become larger than life. Remember that the customer’s office is not the Supreme Court. Why give them the power and right to judge you?

* Remember to separate your actions from yourself

Prospects can only criticize your actions. If you’ve done something wrong, it’s not you that is wrong – it’s only what you’ve said or done. And as a responsible person, you can make a decision to speak or act differently the next time.

STEP THREE

Increase your skills for disarming the critical prospect:

Instead of reacting defensively or aggressively to the critical prospect, learn to respond in a disarming manner. Read the following dialogue between a sales rep and a customer. Try to find ways in which you could respond to the critical customer more effectively:

Customer: “Your company has the worst service I’ve ever seen.”

Sales rep: “Now, come on, you’ve gotta be kidding. I don’t think that our service is all that bad.”

Put your own response here:

Customer: (angry) “Your service department is made up of a collection of first-class idiots.”

Sales rep: (defensive) “We just got a new service manager to take care of some of the problems we’ve had in the past. You gotta give us a chance, we’re trying to do the best we can.”

Put your own response here:

Customer: (sarcastic) “Gee, it certainly can’t get any worse. Some of these people you’ve sent over wouldn’t know how to change a lightbulb. I tell you, you’ve got a collection of first-grade stupid idiots.”

Sales rep: (angry) “Listen, I don’t have to listen to this kind of abusive language. If you can’t discuss this in a little more mature manner, I won’t be able to help you.”

Put your own response here:

Customer: “Get lost!”

In this dialogue, instead of defending yourself, you could choose to relax and start listening and hear what the client has to say – even if what he’s saying strikes you as untrue. By finding a grain of truth in the criticism, you often calm the critic down. You’ll increase your chances to win him over to your point of view, even though you are not doing anything but drawing him out.

In the above example you could have used the following responses for disarming the customer:

“Your company has the worst service record I’ve ever seen!”

a) Inquiry response:

“I’d like to hear more about that,” or “Would you mind telling me what happened?”

b) Partial agreement response: “There is certainly room for further improvement!”

c) Empathy response: “I can see that there is something about our service that has been upsetting to you.”

The inquiry response is designed to obtain a complete count of the facts. Ask your questions in a concerned manner expressing genuine interest and understanding. It is important not to judge or criticize the customer’s replies but to insure a steady flow of coherent information. Be sure not to get embroiled over issues of right or wrong (in your mind) until you’ve listened to the complete story. By drawing out all the facts you’ll also draw out the stored up frustration, anger and disappointment.

The partial agreement response is designed to show your customer that you don’t consider yourself, or the company’s service department, perfect. As you allow for the possibility of making mistakes, your customer will realize that he is dealing with a human being. He will eventually soften up. This will lead to more sensible communication.

The empathy response is designed to acknowledge the customer’s thoughts and feelings. In the above situation, he appeared upset. By demonstrating to him that you’ve understood his negative feelings, you can reduce his frustration. This will facilitate the open discussion about his negative experience.

In your dialogue with your client, you may find it effective to use all three techniques. There are many more ways to disarm the critical prospect, and developing these responses will require a lot of determination and effort. However, it’s worth it because they can dramatically increase your sales and enhance the warmth and trust your customers feel for you.

Remember that when a prospect or friend criticizes you, you’ve got three choices:

a) the mad choice – getting aggressive, b) the sad choice – getting defensive, or c) the glad choice – using disarming techniques, followed by a negotiation for a mutually satisfying compromise.

STEP FOUR

The self-recovery technique for the disapproval victim

This method is designed to overcome your feelings of hurt and disappointment after you’ve been criticized or disapproved of. Try to apply it immediately after you’ve left the customer’s or prospect’s office. If you’re too busy, then set aside ten or fifteen minutes later in the day to do this written exercise. Here is how it works:

Take a sheet of paper and divide it into two equal parts with one vertical line down the middle from top to bottom. Write your critical thoughts about yourself on the left side of the paper. For example:

1. “I shouldn’t have lost this sale…”

2. “I’m such a jerk, I should have done a better job in stressing the benefits.”

3. “The other sales reps would have done better…”

4. “I should not have argued the fact that the competition is much more inferior to us because this got him upset…”

5. “I shouldn’t have made that mistake. I am really not very good at this…”

6. “I am really a pretty mediocre person when you get right down to it…”

The writing process will do two things for you: first, you will become aware of your twisted and distorted thoughts; and second, you’ll stop these unrealistic ideas from growing and repeating themselves endlessly in your mind.

Now that you’ve completed writing your negative thoughts on the left side of the paper, begin to appraise each statement objectively and develop a “rational response” in the right-hand column (see box below).

This exercise will help you to become aware of how your unrealistic thoughts have turned into negative feelings. As your mind begins to focus on more realistic and objective thoughts, you will gain a more balanced perspective of your self, and your feelings will become more positive.

The method often works so well that you can achieve a dramatic change in mood within a few minutes. At the very least, writing down your negative thoughts will help you see in black and white just how hard you’re being on yourself. If you go back and look at them a half a day later, it may become clearer to you just how exaggerated and harsh these thoughts are.

The only disadvantage is that it will only work through the physical process of writing. So keep a pencil and paper handy in your car!

The reason this method is so effective is because at the time we experience rejection, our consciousness is severely limited to negative thinking patterns. By dividing the paper into two parts – writing our negative thoughts on one side, we are literally expanding our consciousness! By allowing room for reality (right side), we expose these thoughts to the light of reason. The result is a healthy and balanced picture of ourselves and increased selling power.

STEP FIVE

The two-key strategies for getting approval and sales success:

a) seek disapproval and you’ll receive approval:

What the approval addict doesn’t not know is that often the best way to get people’s approval is to be honest, human, open-minded and flexible. Start learning to solicit negative feedback from others and start welcoming the things you fear most. For example, one sales rep who greatly suffered from approval addiction started his recovery by asking his boss each week: “Tell me several things that I’ve been doing that turn you off and several things I’m doing that you like. Let’s start with the negatives first.”

As he received the criticism, he made it his TOP priority NOT to respond defensively or aggressively, but to listen with an open mind and learn about his own mistakes. He also learned about things he was doing right. This helped him to grow personally and professionally. Not only did his career begin to go into orbit, but his relationship with his superior was strengthened. He chose his boss as his mentor and teacher (that was a compliment which his boss appreciate greatly), and turned approval addiction into self-reliance and sales success.

b) Instead of fearing rejection, pursue it!

Start calculating your own odds for making a sales. If it takes 5 calls to make one sale, you’ll know that you are dealing with an acceptance rate of 20 percent! To obtain 20 orders, you need to receive 80 rejections! It may be surprising to you, but mathematically each rejection represents 20 percent of every order!

So go after all the rejections you can get. The more rejections you have, the more sales success you will enjoy. Once you begin to view rejections as stepping stones to sales growth, you’ll feel less threatened each time a prospect turns down your proposal. This can help you to reach beyond your current “safety zone” and you’ll become more willing to take risks in prospecting for new business!

Instead of fearing disapproval and rejection, pursue it. You need all the disapproval and rejections you can get to be a successful salesperson!

David D. Burns, M.D. is assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine. He is the author of the best-seller “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, W. Morrow & Company, 1980. His ground-breaking concepts have been described in numerous publications such as Los Angeles Times, Chicago Sun Tribune, Psychology Today, Cosmopolitan, and Reader’s Digest. He is a featured speaker at major psychiatric symposia and business meetings. He appeared on numerous radio shows and on national TV programs such as “Panorama” and “Up to the Minute.” He is the recipient of the world-renowned A.E. Bennett Award for Basic Psychiatric Research.



THE SELF-RECOVERY TECHNIQUE FOR THE DISAPPROVAL VICTIM

Self-critical thoughts:

1. I shouldn’t have lost the sale.

Response: That’s a “should” statement. It’s nonsense. Every salesperson loses some sales.

2. I’m such a jerk. I should have done a better job in stressing the product benefits.

Response: Here I go “shoulding” on myself again and putting myself down. I’m not a jerk. I am a human being.

3. The other sales reps would have done better.

Response: Some reps are more highly skilled that I am, others are less so. How successful do AI have to be to respect myself? To be worthwhile?

4. I shouldn’t have argued the fact that the competitive product is inferior to ours, because this got him upset…

Response: I can learn from this. I can say, “It would have been preferable if I had done it differently.” In addition, I will learn new ways of discussing competition.

5. I shouldn’t have made that mistake. I am really not very good at this.

Response: All human beings make mistakes. I have some strengths and some weaknesses. Let’s pinpoint the weakness and work on growth, not on self-criticism.

6. I am really a pretty mediocre person when you get right down to it.

Response: I’m really a very human person when you get right down to it. I can love myself even more when I have a disappointment. I would not put down a friend who was told off by a customer, so why put myself down?



THE TELL TALE SIGNS OF APPROVAL ADDICTION:

Visible to Sales Manager:

*Poor prospecting and afraid to take risks

*Weak in closing

*Argumentative or defensive attitudes

Visible to self:

*High performance anxiety

*Fear of rejection and disapproval

*Excessive amount of depression and self-critical thought

*Low self-esteem

Visible to customer:

*Poor listening skills

*Negative body language

*Argumentative or defensive attitudes

Hidden to all:

*Your capacity for joy, self-love, enthusiasm, creativity and sales success.