Online Content

How do you handle it when a boss says he doesn't like how you treat your people or a coworker complains that you monopolized the last meeting? Or when someone says something derogatory about your clothing choices?

When we receive criticism, our instinct is to protect ourselves. Typically, we produce an excuse, counter with a complaint about the other person, get angry, or dismiss the criticism as invalid. "As a result, we are very hard people to criticize!" writes Richard Gallagher in his book, How to Tell Anyone Anything. "This is why most of us need to learn a structured process for being on the receiving end of a difficult conversation, just like we do for initiating one." Gallagher recommends a four-step PLAN to put your responses to criticism on autopilot so they're effective every time:

Paraphrase. Often, criticism renders us either momentarily speechless or primed to fight back. That's one reason this first step is so powerful – not only does it diffuse a potentially charged atmosphere, it also requires almost no thought. You're simply going to take what the other person said and repeat it back in your own words. Your response should begin with something like, "It sounds like...," or "I can see that..." You aren't agreeing or apologizing or taking blame for anything; you are, however, lowering the other person's defenses by "understanding and welcoming what they have to say," says Gallagher.

Listen. The second step is the most difficult. Once you've paraphrased the criticism, stop talking. Hand the floor back to the other person and listen. "We all share a common universal urge to blurt out things to defend ourselves," acknowledges Gallagher. It is "one of our most basic instincts. It feels logical and natural. Unfortunately, it also works completely against us." By listening fully instead of talking, you not only make the other person feel better, you'll get more honesty and better information that will help you understand exactly how to respond.

Acknowledge. Next, you're going to acknowledge the criticism. Again, you're not agreeing, you're simply acknowledging and validating their point. For instance, when someone complains the project failed because of you, acknowledgement might sound like: "This project was a disappointment to all of us. I'll be glad to walk you through what happened." Or if someone says your way of doing something makes no sense, an acknowledging statement would be: "I can see where some people might think it's counterintuitive to do it this way." Acknowledgement is powerful because it enables the other person to feel understood and respected and puts the conversation on safe ground.

Negotiate. If you agree with the other person, then this last step is easy. For instance, a simple, "You're right. I should close my door when having private conversations. Thank you for bringing it to my attention" is all that's needed when you agree that they have a good point. It's trickier when we completely disagree with the other person. In these cases, our instinct is to frame our responses in terms of what we can't do – as in: they want X and you cannot do X. Instead, switch to "can do" language. For instance, when someone wants projects turned around more quickly and you're so swamped you can barely meet deadlines as it is, "can do" framing would sound like: "I can let you know exactly where you stand relative to my workload." Or if someone feels you're too soft on your sales reps and you feel the other person resembles a drill sergeant, a "can do" response would be: "I would like to hear what has and hasn't worked for you."

You'll notice that each of these steps is simple, logical, and free of emotion. It's the exact opposite of what we normally do in difficult conversations. And it works. Gallagher promises that once you get used to using this four-step response, you will "become amazed at how comfortable you are with anything that another person could possibly say to you."