From Evil Dragon to Prince Charming in Five Easy Steps

Most sales people know that the single most important quality to possess when trying to win over a tough prospect is charm – that ability to create extraordinary rapport with others. Yet most people also believe that charm is something you’re either born with or you’re not. That you’re either charming or you’re not, and that’s your lot in life. Not so, say the authors of a new book, The Power of Charm: How to Win Anyone Over in Any Situation (AMACOM, 2006). Brian Tracy and Ron Arden assert that anyone can learn how to be charming simply by learning how to make others feel important.

“The more important you make people feel in your presence, the more charming they will perceive you to be,” say Tracy and Arden. Here, say the authors, are the five key behaviors for making others feel special in your presence. The authors call them the “Five A’s of Charm:”

Acceptance. When you accept people as they are, warts and all, you give them an extraordinary gift – and you lay the foundation for being charming. Tracy and Arden call it “unconditional positive regard” – accepting people in their entirety, without limitation and without criticizing or finding fault. One way to express this acceptance is simply by smiling. “When you smile with happiness at seeing people, their self-esteem jumps automatically,” say the authors. “They feel important and valuable. And they like the person who is making them feel this way.”

Appreciation. When you thank someone for something they have done, whether the action was large or small, people feel more valuable and important. The simple act of recognizing what someone has done and saying thank you for it make others’ self-image and self-respect soar.

Approval. Throughout their lives, humans have a deep, subconscious need for approval. It’s like sleep or food – no amount of it can satisfy you long-term. You need it constantly to sustain you and keep you striving for the next goal. The easiest and most effective way to convey approval is through praise. “Whenever you praise someone for something they have done, they feel wonderful about themselves,” say Tracy and Arden. “And they find you to be more perceptive, highly likable and extremely charming.”

Admiration. When you give people a genuine, sincere compliment about a trait, possession or accomplishment, they automatically feel better about themselves. They feel acknowledged and recognized. You don’t have to wait for your prospect or one of your reps to scale Mount Everest before you say, “Well done.” The compliment can be for something as simple as always being on time or reaching their second-quarter quota. “Always be looking for something to compliment, and each time you find something, the other person will like you more and find you to be charming,” say the authors. Just make sure your compliments are sincere or you’ll undermine your efforts.

Attention. This is the most important and powerful of the five charm behaviors. It is so critical that the authors devote several chapters to the topic of paying close attention to other people. Arden tells the story of meeting an actor who completely captivated his normally levelheaded wife. When asked what it was about the actor that was so fascinating, she explained that when he spoke to her, it was as if they were in a cocoon and no one existed in the world except the two of them. “When he listens,” she added, “he listens as though every word I say is important and needs his undivided attention.” This ability to listen to others with genuine interest and complete attention is tough to master but is the ultimate key to being charming.